Today has been hard. I am feeling alone, and somewhat lonely. I am aware that people that know me and don’t like me, may be blog lurkers. I am aware that some of those same people may enjoy a post like this. I have decided that I am not going to let them stop me from being who I am. Honestly. This post isn’t about them…it is about me, and living authentically.
So often, women, especially strong women, dont give themselves permission to be transparent. There will always be someone who has something negative to say. (Sometimes it is even those close to us).
Today, I am struggling with the very real struggle called depression. When I begin to feel depressed there are often 2 to 3 reasons. Hormones (check), being overwhelmed by things I need to do (check)…and Satan (check). When all three things happen at the same time, I can be a mess.
That’s just what happened in Saturday. My hormones are out of whack….I have a 7 mile run to do..(which happens to be the number I have a hard time getting to), and there are so many little projects I have wanted to do ( and big ones, like finish chapter 2), that I dont feel like I can do.
We have a faucet we bought a few months back. I would change it, but cant get the cold side to shut off. My tail light has been out since August. The sink leaks, and the dishwasher doesnt work very well. The grass is growing under the pecan trees, and I thought the horses would enjoy it.
I used to be so independent, and now it seems I need to rely on my husband. But our tolerances and focus are rarely on the same page. So, I did what any hormonal depressed run avoiding girl would do. I went shopping at Lowes.
Honestly, I dont know what I intended to buy…. but I know what I came home with! Oh, yeah, Tposts and a new Tpost pounder since mine is MIA. Got those, and moved the fence line. I think I am going to ask for a spot in the pole barn, for hay. That way, I can also fence the grassy area around the hitching posts. Maybe I will beg, borrow, and steal Deven over break, to help me with stuff (like installing patient poles) Seems the area I planted grass out back, is thriving..so I bought grass seed to plant some in the pasture that is closed. The rest of my shopping spree was to replace some cleaning supplies… oh, and I found a flooring I like, and may replace our bathroom floor, the bathroom, kitchen and laundry room over break!
I also figured out how to change out a light fixture…I admit, there were some tears… but…
Oh yeah…. and they work! ( although, husband is concerned that they may burn the house down).
Taking back a little bit of control has been good….
Ended the evening with littles and their parents at our churches Christmas event, Imagine More. Interestingly enough, I was sad all the way until we sat to watch the performance. The presence of God is in that place….